Dear Diary, day 1

Today I decided to install Linux. You cannot be a true hacker if you don't use Linux, and I do want to be a true hacker. Mainly to impress the girls. I asked to everyone I know, and found out that Giovanni uses Linux; strangely enough, he wears very thick glasses, is overweight, doesn't wash and shave, and doesn't know any girls. I was expecting someone way cooler, wearing dark sunglasses even inside and a leather trench. Probably he disguises himself to lay low. A double life! What an exciting experience to become a hacker. He suggested I should try "the" Debian, since it is "the Linux destruction" for real tough guys. And I am one. I have used a computer since I was a kid; they were always Macintosh, but when you can use a computer, you can use them all! Consider this: the hacker of Independence Day could break into the operating system of an alien spaceship: cool! I wonder why it is called a "Linux destruction". I should ask someone. What a tough name!

Dear Diary, day 2

Giovanni today told me that the Debian is a GNU/Linux DIS-TRI-BU-TION. Not destruction. He says that it is very important to say GNU/Linux, if you say Linux alone the Microsoft (which I should call Micro$oft or Microsuck, I don't know why) will take over the planet, Apocalypse will begin, it will turn off the Sun, will make Christ Child cry, and will prevent the development of recent games for GNU/Linux. In this exact order (of importance). Giovanni says that GNU means GNU is not Unix, but Linux is Unix and Giovanni says that this is one of the apparent contradictions that make you a true hacker. All the others are losers that deserve that a Virus sends to their grandmother pieces of pornographic e-mail they sent to their girlfriends. I cannot be a loser, since my grandmother is quadriplegic and is not able to use a computer; moreover, I've never had a girlfriend (even if I wrote some spicy stories about Kaori, the girl of that famous cheese TV spot). I'm already turning into a true hacker.

Dear Diary, day 3

I've given up asking questions to Giovanni, since his un-cool disguise stinks really bad, I cannot focus holding my breath. I wonder where he get the "unwashed armpit for the last 15 days", it feels TRULY real. I guess it's another hacker secret. I bought a magazine with Debian CDs. Starting from tonight, the world will be mine: I just have to install it, then I'll be a true hacker. In the magazine there are no nude girls: a true hacker gets excited with dismantled computers, or with the "source code". I tried, but I still have a lot to learn.

Dear Diary, day 4

I cannot find the setup.exe in the CD. Maybe it is defected. Tomorrow I'll go change it.

Dear Diary, day 5

There is no setup.exe! It's way easier: you insert the CD into the computer, you select from the BIOS the boot (which is an English word meaning "stivale", ah! hacker jargon! (Translator's note: here there is a play on words about the double meaning of the word boot)) from CD, and it installs. Very easy. It just took me 3 hours to find out. Now, I just have to find out how to summon the BIOS.

Dear Diary, day7

How lucky, BIOS in my computer is summoned by simultaneously pressing CTRL-ALT-SHIFT-DEL-Q-W-E-R-T-Y-1-2-3-4-5 during the 4 microseconds in which memory check happens. Consider that a friend of mine has a computer in which you can summon the BIOS only during new moon nights, after midnight, if you stay inside a pentagram drawn with a black cockerel blood. This is a sign, that I should become a hacker.

Dear Diary, day 8

I'm installing. I waited 4 hours for the graphical display to appear, but I still have only text. And no mouse pointer. I shall ask.

Dear diary, day 9

I should have read the text! How clever these hackers are, no one can use THEIR GNU/Linux if he doesn't know that the text should be read. It's almost like a secret society.

Dear Diary, day 10

Yesterday, diring the installation, it asked me to partition the hard-disk. I clicked OK 4 or 5 times, and proceeded. What are kernel modules? Don't know, I chose some at random.

Dear Diary, day 11

In just a week I booted the system. It says I deleted everything on my hard disk when I partitioned, but never mind: it contained only my last 3 years email with every email address I had (everyone is going to get back in touch when I'll be a famous hacker) and the digital copy of the demonstration of the last Fermat theorem I found in my grandmother's attic, after she passed away (I couldn't attend her funeral because I was installing). Everything to be a hacker (and I have the paper copy). I've not taken a shower since I started, nor shaved, and eaten only pizza and hamburger. But I'm fine.

Dear Diary, day 12

Kernel modules cannot be chosen at random. It seems that I did something wrong with the graphic card module. My monitor exploded. Not a big problem, I have another one. In the fire, the paper copy of the demonstration of the last Fermat theorem burnt. Not a big problem either, it didn't deal with Linux. My burn marks will heal in a month, no one will notice the skars when I'll be a cool hacker. I took 4 Kg: I'll lose them when I have time.

Dear Diary, day 14

I spent 2 days choosing what programs to install: the list counts 6739, including names without vowels like ed, amb, brlscnb, mvf, fncl. Among these, 1356 are text editors! It seems you need every one of them. Hackers know more tricks than a cartful of monkeys!

Dear Diary, day 15

XF86Config, it surely knows MORE tricks than a cartful of monkeys! It knows one more than the devil, or maybe it is used to summon the devil himself, I'm not sure

Dear Diary, day 20

Finally my computer is working. It took less than 3 weeks, a true record. I had to skip my showers to save time, but this didn't affect me. Sure, audio still doesn't work, graphics has no more than 16 colors at 640*480, CD burner seems dead and mouse pointer teleports from one corner to the opposite of the display. But it's the ability to face these little annoyances that makes a real hacker. Now I shall connect to internet. They told me other hackers are really friendly to who wants to learn the basis.

The neighbors asked where is the corpse. "What corpse?" I asked. "We can smell a corpse decomposing" they answer. I don't get it. I cannot smell anything. Are they crazy? Actually, they kept throwing glances at me.

Dear Diary, day 21

Today I attempted to connect to the Internet. I have a WinModem. This is BAD.

Dear Diary, day 22

Today I tried again. Something went wrong, I can hear strange noises coming from the modem, they seem a little angry, too.

Dear Diary, day 23

The strange noises were the voice of a Cambodian guy answering my phone calls. It seems that his phone number is the one set as default for internet connections. He said that he can read the newspaper aloud, if I need to feel the "information highway". I declined for now. His name is Chea Vichea.

Dear Diary, day 24

I succeeded! As long as I stay still inside the black cockerel blood pentagram, everything works perfectly! I wonder what will happen at dawn.

I hear strange noises coming from the basement…

Dear Diary, day 25

I sent some email asking for help. I wrote to the Kernel Dev mailing list, it looks like the best place to find experts.

Dear Diary, day 26

Who is RTFM? When will he start to help me?

Dear Diary, day 31 (or maybe 52?)

I've been fined. Looks like burning computers on the balcony is not allowed. I tried to justify myself saying "come on, it's New Years Eve, after all!", but they explained that New Year's Eve has been 3 weeks ago: I must have lost the sense of time. Now that I eliminated the computer, I feel way better. After the third shower, I heard my neighbors yelling "finally, they fixed that drain, the air was unbreathable!". I bought a machete to shave, after breaking 3 razors.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Cambodia, I phoned Chea Vichea. He found me a job as farmhand in rice fields. Can't wait! He told that the nearest computer is 5 Km away from his village, will it be enough??

source: https://old.reddit.com/r/debian/comments/srhfli/diary_of_a_wouldbe_hacker_humor_piece_on/